TAKE IT FROM A VETERAN FLIGHT ATTENDANT – THESE TRICKS WILL GET YOU THROUGH YOUR JOURNEY
One of the greatest perks of my job as cabin crew is observing all the little quirks and rituals of passengers up close. If I’m working in first class, I sometimes even have the honour of waking up celebrities for breakfast before landing – including one very famous rock star with a reputation for irritability who, to my extreme relief, rolled over all bleary eyed and politely asked for a cup of tea.
I was interested to read, then, that the late Queen preferred not to be disturbed if she was still sleeping when her plane landed. I imagine that was a huge relief to the crew. How would one wake her majesty? A gentle whisper in the ear? A slight nudge to the shoulder? Perhaps a delicate sprinkling of Dubonnet over the royal head? It’s not a role for which there is any specific training.
The royal travel request has come to light via the auction of a collection of memorabilia owned by Elizabeth Evans, a flight attendant who took care of VIPs on Concorde for 28 years. I bet she saw a thing or two. Her paperwork also shows that the Queen liked to have a bowl of Velamints in her dressing room and a Martini before greeting any guests, and always brought her own pillows. But royalty are certainly not the only people who like to do things a very particular way when travelling, and flying seems to bring out the superstitious side of many passengers.
The most stressful part of the flight for crew is boarding, so naturally we like to move this process along as quickly as possible. Which is why it’s so irksome that many passengers like to tap the side of the plane for good luck. I’ve even seen people drop their luggage by the door, delaying boarding while they dramatically knock on the fuselage as though they were Amelia Earhart embarking on her final flight. Look, I have no problem with any little rituals you have that might stop us plunging nose first into the Atlantic, but could you do me a favour and speed it up?
To be fair, flight attendants have our superstitions, too, and the biggest is about pilots using the dreaded phrase “it’s going to be a smooth flight” during the preflight briefing. There’s an age-old belief that this is tempting the “aviation gods”, and we’re as serious about it as actors are about never uttering the word “Macbeth”.
As someone who flies for a living, I have, of course, developed a host of rituals to see me through. For example, if I don’t have at least one family-size bag of Haribo in my luggage, I get anxious before we’ve even taken off. I flew with a crew member recently who had a superstition around socks. “I need to be wearing a brand new pair on every flight,” she said. I imagine this gets expensive, as we crew can work on up to four flights a day. Every flight attendant I’ve worked with also has some sort of ritualised communication with loved ones before takeoff. I always like to fire off a quick text to my husband before I fly anywhere, just to make sure I’ve had some contact with him. In return, he knows never to say, “Have a safe flight”.
But I’ve also picked up some more practical techniques to survive hours in the air. One thing I’ve learned from a decade of flying is never to eat bread during a flight as your stomach tends to bloat more in the pressurised cabin. I also advise people to limit their booze intake, as the altitude and lack of oxygen generally heighten the effect of alcohol. I’ve seen too many people underestimate how a few gin and tonics will affect them at 40,000 feet to take any chances when I’m a passenger myself. Though I’m sure the queen was always perfectly composed when she greeted her guests.
Most of my advice for a safe and comfortable flight also translates to other forms of travel. For example, you would be amazed how many people get on a plane, train or bus, totally relying on the crew to feed and water them. Anything can happen on the day to disrupt the availability of food, so always have plenty of water and snacks to get you through such an emergency. It’s also very hard to alter the ambient temperate to everyone’s taste, so bring a blanket and extra layers in case it gets cold. And even your favourite pillows – provided you have room.
Finally, I’ll tell you one little trick that will guarantee you a happier trip: be nice to the crew. They have more power than anyone over how you’ll enjoy your journey. Here’s a top insider tip that is guaranteed to make the cabin crew treat you like royalty. Why not buy a little treat for us in the duty free? FYI, I’m quite partial to Lindt balls.
Meryl Love is the pseudonym of a crew member working for an international airline. She hosts the podcast The Bad Air Hostess