HOW TO STOP FIGHTING WITH OUR FRIENDS ON VACATION

A common word of advice from the wise is that we never really know someone until we see them at their angriest, most vulnerable, or even most cash-strapped.

Vacations provide us with a glimpse into all three conditions. Since these getaways are more rare than we’d like them to be, we tend to put a lot of unrealistic pressure on them to be perfect. We have to rent this car, visit this tourist attraction, and take pictures inspired by these pegs from Pinterest – all before a 6:00 p.m. reservation at the fanciest restaurant on the beachfront. 

But, let’s face it, these rarely go according to plan. Trips are stressful that way. This precarious balancing act of tickets and tours is often made more difficult by differing temperaments and preferences within the party. As stated in the expectancy theory, if a huge gap lies between what we want to happen and what happens, conflict can arise even within the strongest friend groups.

Fortunately, this doesn’t have to be the final destination. Some relationships can still be salvaged after a disastrous fight, and some confrontations can even be avoided altogether. And if they can’t… well, at least you got a room with a view.

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should

Going out of town together seems like a logical milestone for those who know each other well enough. But the micromanager behind every successful girl brunch might clash with our laid-back approach to sightseeing. Similarly, the group’s partygoer might be too busy stumbling back home from the pub to participate in an early morning jog.

It doesn’t hurt to step back and pause once an invitation comes – something that Shai had to learn the hard way. "I had recently met a woman through a mutual, who was also part of a K-pop fan community when we decided to watch Taylor Swift in Sydney," the 35-year-old sales professional tells Esquire Philippines. "Though I noticed she also had a strong personality like me, I didn’t expect I would have a hard time during our week-long trip to Australia." 

But throughout what was supposedly the most memorable trip of her life, Shai was constantly "treated like a personal assistant, as [she] was asked to record her during the concert" and "bossed around" because they had stayed at a family member’s place. "I definitely should have listened to my gut feeling."

Plan properly and realistically

Rose, 27, remembers being over the moon as her best friend of seven years "begged, begged, begged" her to watch their favorite K-pop group in concert. "She talked about the things we could do there as tourists and I was so excited. But the moment I bought my ticket, it was like a switch flipped all of a sudden. She didn’t want to do any of the things I wanted to do. Everything was just her decision," she tells Esquire.

Vacationing friend groups often fall victim to such forms of miscommunication – something psychologist and relationship counselor Eiza Fusingan-Lappay feels could be solved with intentionality. "Maybe ask the group, ‘What do we intend to achieve in our time together?’" she says. "You might want to bond more, take more photos, do something fun, or spend quiet moments." Setting these intentions will require really sitting down, considering one another’s goals and desires, and making the necessary compromises.

Fusingan-Lappay also mentions an interesting study by Jeroen Nawjin, highlighting the ‘holiday happiness curve’: "During trips, people are in the lowest mood during the start and end, most likely due to the travel time, adjustment, and the end of the vacation." Hence, it’s advisable to schedule the less strenuous activities at the start and provide downtimes towards the end of the trip to make sure everyone’s well-adjusted enough.

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In case of fire, breathe!

Regardless of how much we plan ahead, we can’t always control our responses to certain situations. Panic is hardwired into our brains, Fusingan-Lappay explains. "When we are under high amounts of stress, our internal alert system, leads to intense emotions. The part of the brain responsible for rational thinking shuts down, making us prone to engaging in conflict." 

The potent cocktail of emotions that seemingly come with each travel package could cause us to poke at old wounds or pick fights just to release all the pent-up tension. 24-year-old writer Emma’s* long-overdue trip with a best friend of more than a decade quickly soured after an unexpected act of cruelty: "After an inconvenience during an excursion somewhere, we went back to the hotel. I was so surprised that she started yelling and even brought out a list she made on her phone of things I did that annoyed her during and even before the trip." 

In case worse comes to worst, the first thing to do is break away from the situation and take a breather. Withdrawal doesn’t necessarily mean apathy; doing so just means we care enough about the person on the other end to control our reactions. Allow everyone involved in the fight to pursue their own solo activities as a means to clear their heads, making sure they remember to return to the conversation once they’ve found their bearings.

Re-adjust expectations

Since we’re on vacation with our friends, it’s expected that these are people we can have honest conversations with. Ideally, we adopt the position of observer rather than critic, with Fusingan-Lappay suggesting the usage of ‘You’ statements ("You seriously need to consider therapy") rather than ‘I’ statements ("I think you might benefit from seeking professional help"). By shifting the purpose of the conversation to productive discussion rather than needless nitpicking and placing blame, both parties will be more likely to talk things out.

While it’s important to get our point across, the objective isn’t to win: we are still responsible for hearing the other side out and reacting accordingly. Fusingan-Lappay suggests the 3Ls in managing conflict as it arises: "Look at the changes in their behavior patterns and possible distress reactions. Listen and focus on them: not everyone needs advice, some people need comfort. Lastly, link them to other sources of support, if needed." In case neither side is showing signs of bending their will, it’s alright to agree to disagree. Try to arrive at a solution that satisfies the conditions of both parties, without violating anyone’s boundaries. 

Re-assess the friendship

Of course, these steps are suggested under the assumption that the trip can still be saved. It’s common for people to fly back with a sense of regret at best and resentment, at worst. Issues can remain unresolved for months – if they even get resolved at all.

Fusingan-Lappay advises travelers to accept and assess the issues the trip may have brought to light: "Some relationships are meant to grow apart, especially with lack of communication and understanding. We may be stuck with how we knew them in the past, thinking that nothing has changed and nothing should change." 

Emma ended up blocking the best friend she traveled with after catching wind of her backstabbing. "The friendship was doomed and the fallout was bound to happen. But I still believe we could’ve given each other more grace, and if given the chance, I would have still taken that trip with her because it was my first time with a lot of things." Rose, on the other hand, was able to restore the relationship somehow after establishing distance and settling everything months later. "I’d advise people to take a step back and let it breathe. I think it’s healthy to take a break. If the friendship is meant to withstand it, it will."

So while there isn’t a singular answer for every situation, one thing worth noting is if memories are the only thing binding us together, it might be best to see what aligns with us and serves our mental health today. If our companions’ true colors don’t suit us in the end, regardless of how well we know them, consider that a bullet dodged. With the wrong people out of our lives, we can finally make space for the right ones – those who will match our nervous excitement as we explore someplace new, and those who will relish in the messiness of travel as long as it means spending time with us.

2024-07-02T10:15:28Z dg43tfdfdgfd